Monday, March 17, 2008

Ok so all day we never discussed the argument, I figured he didn't care to know.  He has to win the arguments, or else he ends up saying that wasn't his argument. i.e. The traditional wedding band- their time of arrival.  The bible questions of his friend that he didn't know. But o know, if he didn't know it, I didn't know it either or my answer doesn't make sense, someone else had to tell him too.  
Even if I tell him I've read it or I know, he has to see the proof.  It is impossible, I cannot know it all but who said I did. Interesting isn't it. Everything with him is all about people watching, we went to visit some friends, and we pretended like all was well, this behavior was very typical of my father and I hated it.  He would have discussed it if I still acted angry but I dropped it although I was still very hurt.  I gave up bringing it up and tried to forget about it, but guess what it will always come back to hunt us because a day will come when it will arise, since it was never quenched.  
Sunday morning, another argument, about the time we came home from buying a goat....ok hold on let me check my phone, the date he gave didn't match up with my phone.  I wasn't disagreeing with his knowledge but how come my phone doesn't match up, how come my calculation didn't match up, but instead he rolls his eyes and tells me to take it or leave it (as if he was been challenged by me).  (am I so jobless that I choose to argue about the date- I wanted to know and I asked) Now a normal human being would try to figure it out with me; 1.e. let's see if we have the right date and then let's count back 8 days.  Then he realized he was wrong because he remembered the correct date but it is one of those things that if he didn't remember we will never sort it out because he doesn't really care, he isn't wrong. 
Now if he cared about learning the information, or the argument was dear to his heart do you not think he would go look up the statistics himself???? i.e. it is like an argument about bacterial  vaginosis- it took three arguments before he finally looked up the information. I didn't know what I was talking about until our relationship almost fell flat right in front of us and then it mattered to him and he looked it up.  Does it seem like someone that argues for a purpose??? or someone that argues purposelessly???  I hate arguing..... I told him what could cost the infection but every time he knew better and would argue about always seemed to him like I blamed him for it but it was true that tamper with the vaginal flora cost it; I answer his questions even when playful, he finds a way that the blame is placed on him, it is sad because he is not the only one in my life that has this feelings.
It is funny people after meeting me tend to assume I am perfect in school, religious life, relationships, sex etc. why? I'm not sure...well because of this a little part of them are always in secure around me, so when I say something they always tend to challenge it either to proof that they also know things or to challenge me and proof to me that I wasn't perfect.  It is interesting how it works, because when someone else repeats the comment that I made it is not attacked as much as when I make it.  OR if I made that same comment in another setting it is not challenged.  It is funny because even they don't know when they do it or when they are caught doing it. It is an instinct that they cannot control. I am not perfect, I do things for me and not to please everybody else.
He came back to get me in the car only because he didn't want to be embarrassed in front of his parents, however, if I sat in the car and took it, nothing would have been discussed like Friday night, and when he came home he still did his best and kept it on the down low but never once touched on the topic.  It is also interesting what he took away from my grandma's advice, we should keep our tome down, however I don't believe my grandma doesn't want us to solve our problems, I also don't think my grandma meant that her granddaughter should be hurt in the means of keeping quiet.  It is fake to me when you do things differently because others are watching.  It is annoying when he always thinks someone is out to put him down or to blame him, I am not trying to brag but I had many options so did I have to choose the one just so that I can blame him, just so that I can call him good for nothing for the rest of my life, or just so that I can tell him how much he made more mistakes than me, and so hurts to hear such silly comments and if we continue to use this kinds of statements every time something needs to change or every time one is corrected. The other feels useless and walks away from your life.  At times I see my father in him, he never takes correction and it is always ur fault; "it is ur tone of voice" "u don't talk to me respectfully" "u need to change" "u do it too" "u always have to blame me" is never I gat you, I never notice it but now I will work on paying attention and avoiding such behaviors .... If he knows he is not going to win, he wants it to stop; or if he looses he still we never admit you are right, instead he will never mention that topic again :( Our culture and manhood and age -I don't think it will all ever come together to me. I know my life will be sweet and at times it will be bitter, but the bitter times throw me so much out of focus and I hope that one day it doesn't become so unbearable that I walk away from all these. Hence, the sweet bitter life of an igbo princess. 

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