Monday, April 20, 2009

My thoughts

Lately, I have craved to have a baby swimming in my womb.  It happened once, and I lost it.  It is like God tried to tell me that "hey! you have no problem conceiving but I don't think it is time for you guys to be parent."  But I want to so bad that I have spent so much time asking God to help me understand why.  But then a lot of things has happened in its own way since then and I feel like God tells me each time "see for ya self." You know it fits the saying "e bu na Chi gi uzo" meaning literally don't come first before your God.  I am still praying for understanding since I am even still trying to understand all aspects of my marriage.  Maybe we don't need the distractions of a child, maybe I am afraid to loose my husband, maybe God wants us to wait till he gets over his distractions first.
By the latter I mean sometimes I don't feel like he realizes his role in our future.  He puts everyone else first before himself- everyone else is top priority and not him.  I don't wish to tell him what to do but sometimes the thing to do is very obvious.  I am trying hard to not get to a point where I resent some of his loved ones and I don't think I will but sometimes it is enough pressure that you don't have a choice.  
If for some reason he were not around, I feel like the situation will take care of itself somehow.  That also means he must learn to explain to family that "I need to take care of this first and I haven't forgotten about you."  Or we can keep managing and patching forever, because something tells me that this might never change.  Let's just say I await the day he will place himself first and then take care of everyone else.  Everyone sort of warned me about this and I guess I somewhat thought of it as well as long as we are comfortable then who cares who else we have to help get on their two feet.  But I have not felt comfortable about his car however, for some reason my concerns does not matter.  He rather uncomfortably and continuously maintain the car while he puts money away for other family members.  I am not trying to be sarcastic just trying hard to understand it.  
Something, tells me that God wants us to completely understand some of these confusions, I bet he also wants this family to be of utmost important and priority to both me and my husband (i.e. with no buts) before he helps me complicate things :) (I smile because I am ready when you are and I cannot wait to raise a child in the ways of Christ).  We can't always get what we want when we want it can we?  At times though, I wonder why I have to try to be the understanding one in my family- my parents used to rely on me to understand a lot of their excuses (aka parenting).  I am praying hard for God to help me (and us) make sense out of all these.
With that, I am truly content with my life at this point, I am just lonely a lot but I am seriously considering a pet dog, what do ya think?  I don't know anything about dogs so I am going to start reading about them- because I wouldn't know where to begin as in what kind of dog do I want? I will run it again by him- to make sure it is ok.

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