Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Single Black Ladies (SBG)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

To My Dearly Beloved

"Love is the emblem of eternity, it confounds all notion of time, effaces all memory of a beginning, all fear of an end".
Quoted by: Germaine De Stael

I think the above quote summarizes us.  What ya think?  
Remember this date last two years- all the craziness we went through was finally behind us.  We danced it all away at our traditional wedding celebration.  I remember people could not comprehend what got to me, I couldn't stop dancing, I was so happy to be finally Mrs. J. E.  Boy! even those shoes, as painful as they were, couldn't even stop me from dancing, everything just seemed so complete on that day.  After the celebration, I felt a little sad leaving my birth home, most especially leaving Mama Nawgu but I was so excited to finally see my new home. The place that molded you to become the wonderful man that you are today.  I wanted to meet everyone that you told me about, it was an odd feeling too because we've talked so much that I felt so close to all of your relatives even before I met them.  Meeting your family was definitely something, everyone thought I looked just like Da Getu, and teased Mama & Papa for bringing home one of their own.  
I enjoyed seeing your smile everytime you introduced me to your family and friends.  And everytime you will turn around and say "Ndaa'm, ke ki mere?" I have come to the realization that your happiness in this friendship, love, and marriage is essential to my own happiness.  You are truly my best friend, and you are God sent to me.  I am thankful that you found me to pester for the rest of our dear lives. :)  Everything seems like yesterday, but 2 wonderful years have gone by and many more to come.  Hurry home lets celebrate.  Love and cheers to a happy marriage.

Happy Anniversary, 
The Ensign's wifey!

Saturday, December 26, 2009


It was one of the worst days of my life.  The snow storm was going crazy in Wichita, KS and they had canceled many flights but I tried to be positive and hopeful that I will be on the flight to Jacksonville, Fl.  I made my way through the snow across town to drop off Masi, and headed back home to finish my last minute packing.  Having to be at work that morning messed up things for me.
arghh!! I hate the 80 hour work week rule and for those who still wish that it is increased for residents  because they had to work a 120 hour or a 200 hour work week.  I've got one question for you, how many patients have you mistakenly killed? because so far I have none.  Or how many road accidents have you instigated? because so far none, although I came close on my first week on call as a resident. Now I am a pro at sleeping only 30 minutes and doing just fine.
Anyways, back on the subject, I headed to the airport around noon and watched them increase my flights take off time gradually, until finally they assured us that it will be at 1806.  I knew that I would miss my connection flight but I was hopeful that they would be delayed too.  I asked God to please let me be home for X-mas.  It is crazy but prior to our marriage, we hated being apart for the holidays but we were creative, we met up before I left for home or after I returned to celebrate our own holidays.  I hated that Jude would spend holidays alone because his family was very far away.  I would steal many opportunities to call him to check on him.  It makes it so exciting for us now that we are married, we are two lovers that will never grow old and weary of each other.  I got to Atl and as soon as my flight landed, my connecting flight took off.
Everything went wrong after that, the exit doors would not open, the scanners wouldn't work so that I can find out if I am booked for another flight.  I asked the Delta employee to help me out- she was a heavy set african-american lady, with long hair, she was very beautiful and had the most remarkable features but I couldn't help noticing the look of frustration in her eyes.  I was unsure until she replied Moussa's wife with an attitude "I don't know!"  I believe the comments from angry mob of passengers in line that missed their flights was starting to get to her.  When it got to my turn, I said in a  calm voice that we are not angry at you, we are just upset that we will be away from our loved ones on X-mas Eve.  She said thank you and punched some numbers and told me that I am on the first flight to Florida X-mas day and asked if i would like a hotel voucher.  I hesitated because in my mind the answer was no! because I would rather be with Jude but I answered yes and I got one to Country Inn Suites- it cost 49.99 without tax.  I smiled and said thank you Lauren, she acknowledged with a smile.
I called my dear husband and we talked and he made me feel better, I got ready for bed but was up very early, I believe partly due to anxiety, I got ready and headed downstairs to take the shuttle to the airport.  I was there 2 hours before boarding (anxiety), I took a nap and waited for Moussa's fam. to show up, they were quite entertaining throughout the trip.  I was so glad when the flight took off and happier when I was in my husband's arm.  We kissed and said Merry Christmas.  We came home and cooked our Christmas meal together and talked and talked and ate and watched a Nigerian Movie ... It ended up being a great Christmas.  I got the best Christmas gift later on, my husband is full of surprises.

We smell trouble

We smell trouble but we have yet to pin point the true source.  I am not worried because somehow we always do.  It is hard to explain but I will help you understand with as many examples.  It is like one holding your hands to walk into a burning bush and you willingly went, completely trusting and not knowing that it will burn.  It is kinda like married couples, who allowed their hearts to be taken by the stranger, while hoping that he or she will eventually become their life partner.  It is like one who picked the wrong friend to accompany him to the jungle and he turned into a lion and devoured him.  We smell trouble and it is only lickering in the bushes now, but will soon be out in the open.  I thought this feeling was because of our sister and her crazy husband but we still can smell it and can almost taste it.
Just imagine, he wants a divorce and she refused to sign it because of her faith and the judge granted them a few months of sorting out their issues.  But he still insists, after all the good years of marriage but why? There are many explanations but it is mainly because they had no biological children and he has little faith.  After everything they had been through, you will think that the voices of his siblings and parents carried lesser weight than his wife's but oh no!
"I cannot understand why people still split of for this reason in this day an age, that adoption is easily done."- quote by my husband.  It is true this world were many children are needing a home and people to love them.  This sister and her husband was blessed with a child but he closed his door to her angrily and got upset that his wife willingly accepted.  And asked her to reject the child, but she couldn't since this child that she so desired had long won her heart.  This child was the answers to her prayers and she could not understand why he could not allow himself to love her.  This was his excuse for leaving her, but we all saw it coming a long time ago, his family was only looking for some excuse that will not make him look like the bad guy.  What is annoying to me are the things he will tell people- hey if you cannot tell the truth about something you have done, you need to work on forgiven yourself.  I know of one who was once married, and is divorced today partly because of his infidelities but when he explains their separation to most people, he simply leaves that part out and at times the one he is telling gets the impression that the separation was the fault of the woman.  This is part of some of the cultural stereotypes that our people have, so he has taken advantage of this when he tells people about the woman.  Imagine calling her Akata, hey was she Akata when you were happily married?  That word is a stereotype and an insult to describe them but many of them are very good people.  The sad thing is people continue to use it and expand this name calling.  For those who can relate to this- You know in your conscience the reasons for your marriage and your separation, and it is even understandable that you are not comfortable discussing it, but if you cannot accept and admit your mistakes then you still have some ways to go amending your misdeeds with your 'Chi.'  In fact, if you don't accomplish this you will end up punishing yourself and another woman with your guilt.
Anyways, if my Sis's husband only knew where that child came from; if only he respected the one who brought that child into the world- Chinenyenwa.  We are afraid for him, but we have forgiven him, we are hopeful that his life be filled with good tidings.  He plans to start of the new year without our sis; it was the gift he thought to give her on the very celebration of the birth of Christ.  Sis-You have all of our support and prayers, you cannot tie him down.  We understand that you love him unconditionally but this is prove that he didn't love you that way.  He went with the flow, and it is very easy for him to leave for his own selfish reasons.  He will no longer trap you, and will no longer stop you from celebrating how beautiful and blessed you are as a child of Christ.
We smell trouble and despite the many hints, we have yet to pin point it.  But we will enjoy the moment and as my late grandmother will say in our language, enjoy the moment but remember your homeland and continue to have eyes at the sides of your head and also at the back of your head.  My grandmother lived for over a 100 yrs, and she left me so much, I still have her ogiri in my freezer, she still fills my heart with her great words and advice.  I remember her talks with Jude and I, oh how Jude loves her and it was from the very moment he heard her speak, it is awesome to hear him say Mama Nawgu (the name we call her).  I still am very proud every time I watch my traditional video, and see her walk to our canopy to give us her final blessings (I requested that she gave us her blessing, afterall, she was partly the reason we came home).
My whole life she meant something to me; all the times she would call me to help her with something; I loved to take care of her; she scares me when she doesn't finish her plantain (her favorite food), or when she is upset because her umbrella is missing, but she doesn't want a new one, because her old one has been very faithful to her for years, as her walking stick, a rainshield or sunshield, for shooing flies and animals and even children :) she is very simple.  I remember in primary school, when our cab was leaving for Lagos and she came to me advising me not to get into anymore physical fights with boys (it was the christmas I got into a fight with Ebenezer's son, since he was making fun of Lagos people being so weak).  When the car was leaving she came to make ammends with me (after my punishments), handing me a one or five naira bill, she said in igbo 'you will do greater things than fighting with people.  Many will make fun of you but you have to focus on one goal and that is your education. Take this money to buy your books and make me proud.'  I remembered thinking, this will never buy a book but I apologized again for beating up her helper.  I could always look beyond her wrinkles and see how beautiful she was as a youth.  She touched me and from that day, all the times in my life that I wanted to give up, it was those words that kept me going.  I didn't mind dissapponting everyone else except Mama and she was very happy when I told her that I had accomplished my goals of becoming a doctor.... Chinenyenwamo! is what she calls me and she unfailingly imprints a smile everytime she says my name.  She was amazing and it was funny to hear her talk about everyone, she remembers so much, I am proud to be her granddaughter.  Aww men! I always get emotional whenever I talk about her.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


I had to drop her off today at the boarding house.  I could tell that she felt it in her heart that I was leaving her soon because for two days now she has been very restless.  Yesterday, she did not let me leave her sight and again very restless and so I gave her some benadryl and nothing happened.  I overdosed her, and yet she was still jumping all over the place.  I gave up and placed her in her crate and she cried all night, she has never done that before.  I even tried talking to her, to let her know that I had no choice but she just licked me and continued to whine.  When I dropped her off today, it was very difficult.  They took her into this boarding place, with metal gates, they always appear to me like a doggy jail but I know that they have no choice.  I went to say good bye and she looked at me, and stood up, she licked me and made the noise she makes when she is mad at me.  I told her good bye and I will be back to pick her up.  I payed a little extra for them to spend some time playing with her.  She is a great companion, although stubborn at times.  She is easy to love and it did not take long for her and Jude to be buddies as well.  She does not hold a grudge and even when mummy is persistent she licks her way through.  Masi you are a great puppy and I wish I could spend Xmas with you.


12-21-2009;  My uncle had twins added to his household.  He also got a boy, which he truly deserves, he was getting more and more outnumbered by the little divalettes lol  I am also praying that this snow storm does not stop me from spending the holidays with my best friend.

God bless you all and Happy Holidays

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Oh my! We have never been apart this long.  I know we have our great memories to dream about and I also know we are in each other's heart


Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage- Ambrose Bierce

Emotions...a roller coaster ride of of ups and downs.
One moment, basking in love...
The next moment feeling panic and terror.
Needing, yet fearing my needs...
Wanting so bad yet afraid to take...
Doubts creep inside my mind.
Is this real? Am I sane?
So much power flows in these feelings...
I shake in fear.
Torrents of love followed by
A crash of self-doubt... I cry.
Am I sane? Is this real?
Desire... strong, uncontrollable..
Leads me back each time...
Then the ride starts all over again...
A roller coaster ride...of ups and downs..
Into the funnel...I am falling...down and down

You cannot earn someone's trust based on lies.  You may deceive one another but it is only for a short while.  So is it not easier to be truthful from the very beginning? Sometimes we even convince ourselves that being dishonest is the right thing to do, just to simply free ourselves of the guilt.  Remember the saying that love is blind- it is so true but one must be cautios of this. 
I have met many that continue to make the same blunder but refuses to see it because they have somehow convinced themselves that something is different this time.  One friend felt that if she showed her partner a good time, that they will end up forever, only to find out that it was partly true.  The memories of them are there forever but are they present in her life now? naw  She was continuously used and dumped until finally she was pregnant.  Amazing how pregnancy can make a running man stop and look back. 
I know of another one that was intimate with anyone who said her name with a sweet swagger but in the end she married the first man in her life.  She actually never stopped loving him, he left her; did what he had to do I guess; grew up; eventually got married; it failed (I am unsure if either one worked at salvaging it); got divorced and then finally seeked the only one who had been longing for his heart all along.  Hey they are great couples, they both made mistakes and were able to put it all behind them and will be together forever.  Amen!! I love matrimony.
 And then another, who stayed true to one man until he proved us right and her wrong, but she had a hard time letting go still until another Mr. Right took his place.  I pray that the grace of God see them through.  Then I know of one who will find everyone else to blame for her relationship failures but forgets to study the errs she has made in the past. 
Usually when I give advice I am often told that I am lucky- I think Frank Sinatra tells it well when he said "People often remark that I'm pretty lucky. Luck is only important in so far as getting the chance to sell yourself at the right moment. After that, you've got to have talent and know how to use it." I was lucky that I agreed to go out with my friends one night and lucky that I caught Jude's eyes, I was also lucky that it was in the right time for Jude (since he was not involved with anyone) and for me (since I had just graduated and had a little more time to spare)  those were all things that happened by chance.  But all of the work we put into growing the strength of our friendship, strengthening our faith in Christ together and eventually winning each other's hearts was definitely no luck. 
My friend who ended up marrying the father of her children, we did not foresee anything going wrong at the time but unfortunately they are having problems now.  I pray everyday for them to build a friendship and bond and solidify their marriage.  I believe their problems are partly because their only building block was the circumstances at the time, i.e. she was pregnant.  There is nothing wrong with the two of them being married but they needed to develop other reasons to be married- friendship, trust, honesty, love, intimacy ... 
Marriage is tough and there are ups and downs, [ For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.- Bill Cosby] the ups are easy, during the downs you must recall why you are there in the first place and for this friend and her hubby, they are confused.  Now the babies are born; ok... we can't marry your children can we? and they have to work on achieving this trust and friendship because marriage is forever.  Oh! he/she has attitude, well teach him/her to have less attitude- aren't we all learning.  It is not a lack of love that ruins a marriage, most of the time it is a lack of friendship.
My friend who finds everyone to blame for her relationships, do not keep adding to the count of the men in your past; marriage is not like a card game; I will lie to you all to see who wins the race for marriage proposals- you are only cheating yourself.  How do you say you trust God but yet you rush into things and are deceitful about it, have you forgotten whose favor you need for all of these things to happen.  You must completely embrace God not only for yourself, but also so that you can find it in your heart to be truly happy for others. 
Yes- many women have to keep their options open, and I did too, it is because we don't stay young forever, and too many men have not kept their promises.  But that is the more reason that you must be careful about labeling yourself as any man's girl until you are ready to make that commitment.  You do not have to label yourself or sleep with them to keep them.  The men that want you and recognize how valuable you are will do everything they can to get you.  You all ladies are beautiful, talented, smart, with very promising futures, don't let your self esteem go with peer pressures from our culture.  Do not let it define your actions.
  When you do those things, you are simply saying to yourself and everyone else- I am worthless except for the things that I think a man wants.  Eventually, they will disrespect you and it will annoy you but it was you who encouraged it in the first place.  Now that you have given them everything, you are heart broken not because you were stupid or that you did not gain anything in the relationship.  I know it is what all women say but be true to yourself - you did gain temporary companionship, attention ..., is just that what you expected in exchange for everything you gave was marriage and so anything else you got from that man you have counted as worthless. 
[If divorce has increased by one thousand percent, don't blame the women's movement. Blame the obsolete sex roles on which our marriages were based.] And stop forgetting that he can always get it from somewhere and you will never know or else he has lipstick on his cheek.  So I know one who did all these and are happily married.  It does work once in a while but very rarely.  Some men even trust you less because they got to you quicker than they expected.  
To all of these beautiful young women that I love, remember that my one prayer is for all of you to be satisfied as I am now.  I pray for that all the time and for me to come chop rice belle full and dance my heart out.  I love you all!


Sunday, December 20, 2009


I admitted a young man in his 40s that weighed 1019 pounds (463 kg); I couldn't believe it, the first thing I thought when I saw him, was did he have a mirror.  I noticed from reviewing his old charts that less than a year prior he weighed about 700 pounds.  Wow! I thought.  It was about 0200 and I was the designated PGY2 on call and I matched downstairs to the emergency room to inquire about his reasons for coming to the hospital and also to examine him.  I learned from the nurses that it had taken 5 hours for the EMS to get him onto an ER bed and, they had to join 2 large beds together.  I thought at that time that he was still 700 pounds until I heard the ER nurse say he is not 1019 pounds chei!
He must have eaten enough to feed the whole of Dunokofia.  I was told that I had to write an order for a shipment of a bed from Oklahoma because he cannot fit our largest bed.  I looked at the bed and wondered why in the world Oklahoma had a bed even bigger than what we had; and I realized how accommodating the U.S. is with obesity.  The young lad had been on disability because of his weight, and got a pay check for food monthly; he had a private apt., and a tv in front of him, he also had a personal nurse aid who claimed to be a girl friend; we, as tax payers encouraged him and told him indirectly that he does not have to be a productive member of society because he was super  morbidly obese.
The Girlfriend..  Hmm I thought at first but tried not to flinch.  I got most of the history from her, and at first she failed to mention that she was also his aid; I got to the part of my exam and I had to go all the way around to auscultate the other side of his chest.  His belly was the size of a love seat, it was disgusting.  During the exam he requested that he wanted to urinate, and I thought how does he do that, she tells me that she gets him up in the morning and he sits in the toilet.  And I thought ta! gbafuo! Liar!  and she kept going, he has been so weak recently, and he is no longer eating as much as he used to.  I said what is he eating now, she answered only 4 large hamburger meats, well I asked how many does he normally eat and she said at least 10.  She fed him to death, and that is why she left out that she was his aide; she was getting paid to feed him and she went over board all so that she could keep her nursing aide job, I could see the guilt in her eyes when I told her that there is a likely hood that he will not make it out of the hospital.
She became his aide shortly after the admission last year and she fed him 300 pounds more.  She immediately became very anxious, and yelled at my icu nurses several times, claimed to be his wife and she wants the best treatment for her husband.  Oh boy! I thought this would be a long day.  I was writing my orders when my nurse came in and said 'doc. are you going to write for a foley cath? ' and I said why don't we watch how she usually gets him to pee at home, we gave her a container and it seriously took her about 10 seconds to dig out his penis and still he couldn't pee.  And I gently asked again you are his girlfriend correct? and she said yes.  I was under the impression that people that called themselves girlfriend and boyfriend that it meant you were doing intimate things.  hmm again so how in the world does it work, I wondered what kind of preparation they had to do just to be intimate.   I almost told her you are a Liar!  I asked what kind of bed he slept with at home and she said 'well just a regular King size bed' O boy! she lied again.
He was intubated later that morning due to severe respiratory distress and a few days later passed away.  I learned a lot from this admission.  Obesity is no good! too many problems were encountered and I cannot mention them all; even intubating him was difficult and finally the family came and asked to pull the tubes.  When he passed, he had to be cremated and I am not sure it was the families believe but no one had a large enough size coffin and the space on the ground he would accumulate to bury him will be too much and too expensive for the family.  So they did not give the family any choice but to cremate him.  I was sad for him that he had such a short life due to his weight and he had no say in anything that happened to him.
I really do believe that there is an overlap were one just gets depressed and stop caring about their weight because I still wonder how people are satisfied with being on a wheelchair because of obesity, or being on disability because of obesity ....  I was once obese and my knee pain was my only drive to drop those pounds.  I did it with just exercise and healthy diet choices.  I have no regrets till today.
I am starting to diagnose a lot of kids under the age of 5 with diabetes type II and it makes me sad sometimes.  We really need to conquer this fight of obesity.

Exostectomy of the fifth toe Bilaterally

Before I forget- 12/11/2009 ouch!  I took call covering the pediatrics ward on 12/13/2009- one word ouch!  I have been told by the surgeon that I am his worst patient thus far.  Since I went back to work; did not prop my feet.  I had already taken vacation for the holidays and I didn't have anymore left for the month.  I am glad it is over with and eventually I will have pain-free fifth toes.  I have a high tolerance for pain, or I am always occupied with something to think about slowing myself down.
08/14/2008 was my first surgery, Extraction of all 4 of my wisdom teeth, I did not take any pain meds and I was eating by that evening.  I was back to work the next day.  The swine flu was annoying though- o boy!  I had admitted 3 young gals with the swine flu and they required vent support, I knew it was coming for me.  I knew the very second I came down with it, and it was around the time they were still testing.  I felt so horrible, fevers as high as 105; I woke up feeling like someone had beat the crap out of me; my chest hurt to even cough; i wanted to scream but the headache was pounding ...  I felt miserable but my dear husband took good care of me, he even prepared me some ofe nsala. 
I was instructed to stay at home for days.  That was my slow down instruction from God for the year, hopefully I will get no more.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Love Continued

No problem Ike!

I'm on call and might have to run anytime.  Thanks for the comments but I meant for you to read 1 Corinth 13:4 for the definition of love and then compare it to how you've always used it.  I agree that you are using it to mean an over-max of like, in fact it is the reason I wrote the post in the first place.  However, it confuses women and it makes women not respect your words because even if some may acknowledge it, we realise from that point that you exaggerate.  Take it from a woman, say I really really like you, or I like you over-max lol but not love until you understand and feel it.
I now agree with you on sentiments, you have corrected yourself well, it is a building block that is never to replace love.  'Love' is not a decision, it is a feeling (again ref. to above verse); it is a decision to try to love someone you like and it is a decision to say it.  For example, I screened my hubby's call for 3 months when we first met but later gave thought to his persistant character and from many phone conversations and bedtime prayers, we decided to work on trying to see if we can achieve love.  The truth is if you hang out with someone too long you will fall in love.  My husband didn't agree when i told him this until I told him this story I will share with you. 
I believe you do not go out to look for a woman who is on a wheelchair correct? well you are in your apartment and a nice gorgeous woman was using her motorized machine to ambulate into her home she waves to you, she invites you for dinner and cooks you a nice meal, you watch her prepare this meal and you're fascinated by how well she can do everything. She invites you occassionally for movie night and every time the house is always neat; she plays video games with you; and you guys can't stop laughing when you are together; you start noticing that you both enjoy doing similar things and even have the same sense of humor, you become fond of her and began to stop by when you can to catch a glimpse of her smile.  You see her leave each day for at least 8 hours and you asked one day were she goes, you learn from her that she is a mathematician and an accountant for this huge company in Olathe, KS.  You are even more impressed, with thoughts that she is beautiful and smart, and has a lovable personality and character.  I asked Jude do you then see yourself falling for her and he all of a sudden agreed. For I had described many of the characteristics that he was attracted to that he could almost relate to the story.  He added that before you know it you are arguing with your family about how they are wrong and you are in love and who cares what they think.  This woman is completely independent except she cannot walk.  My point is those 2 now know that they are great together but now they have to decide whether to try and love, maybe he needs to ask do you have sickle cell trait, can you get pregnant, do I care about what people think .... whatever is important to him or her. 
So when I say you have barely done nothing I mean it, there is nothing wrong with telling you that.  You will only realize this after you have given it more time.  You two are only starting and may not end up together.  Jude and I had those same thoughts but it was the drive to work harder at it, to be certain we gave it our best. I am sure eventually you and her will not be satisfied with just phone calls, the more you grow fond of each other, the more you both plan trips to be with each other.  Sometimes, me and Jude planned the next trip while the other was visiting.  You gotta work harder than calling her on the phone- time is very critical to develop love.  Trust me on this one, marriage is one decision that does not need to be made on clouded memory.
Stumble- is not harsh.  I stumbled in my husband's view the day I was dragged to leave my chemistry book and come to an igbo meeting.  You will know when to use love once you have learned what it means :)
The grace of God was with us from the very beginning, we started saying our night prayers together via phone, reading our bibles and it is still a tradition.  It is hard to go to bed without taking our turns and saying our nightime blessings, we started our family long before marriage.  And it is still the grace of God that keeps us going.
Ahhh good ole King Solomon....but there are many verses in the bible such as that, there are also many verses that ask us not to be careless with this beautiful gift from God- sex.  It needs to be with committment.  See God loves us so much that he selfishly claims our body as his; he wants us to make a convenant with him and that other one we have so chosen and only then does that body now belong to your wife and vice versa.  Read the other verses...  If a man wants to conquer the ship in the midst of the sea, the almighty is not against it, he is only asking that you respect his property and perform your marital rites and then you are permitted to do as you please.  One pastor once told me that he truly believes the bible mentioned that verse to protect women, he mentions that men are not as emotional with sex.  He recalled me his past when he would sleep with a woman and he would detach his soul to not connect with her so that he could throw her out the next morning.  When she would scream and cry, he didn't understand what the problem was because he made it clear to her that no strings attached.  A lot of women can do this too- in fact many of my girl friends can do this too- sex buddies they once explained it to me.  Hey they will tell you how great it was, they would probably describe their multiple climax, like King Solomon but it is what God wants us to feel with our partner blessed by God.
Another pastor once said to me- if only people can just take the words written in the bible just as it is, rather than interpreting them to suit their actions, if only they cannot be choosy and read the whole biblem, then maybe there will not be this much confusion that it is a great book that was well written.
I now know who you are- and my brother by no means, this is not meant to single you or any man for that matter.  My posts and comments are made based on personal and some visual experiences.  I do not think you in particular are this way, in fact I don't know you, hence I cannot define your character.  But if you are doing any of these things, then revisit your manner of approach.  Because if you are who I think you are, and if I were you, I would take the words from the one who sucked rich millk from the same breast as 'the lady' you are so fond of.  I can even guarantee it that if you both embrace your time, and both work 10x as hard as the past few weeks, eventually you will acrue more strands, more knots and a stronger rope; there is potential if both of you continue to work at it.  Historically, great things were not accomplished in a hurry, in fact those were the times in history we saw a big downfall and calamity.  Again Good luck to the two of you!

Gotta Run...
Remain blessed!
Nda Jude

Friday, December 18, 2009

Clarification and In Response to Ike

Hi Ike!

Sentimental attractions does not replace love,; love is more than mere sentiments. You have spoken on the phone with this lady and you are only attracted to everything this lady has told you but as time goes on, you will learn more about this person whether via phone conversations, emails and hopefully by spending time with this person. The more you grow fond of this lady, the more time you will want to spend with each other.
What you both have now, takes little to no effort (i.e. you both already had a phone and you both talked on it before either of you stumbled into each others lives) there is no true committment just yet. You could be having sex with someone that you are least fond of. Who is to say you are wrong? It happens all the time. So you may like/be fond-of her but you are not in love. When you earn each others love you would have worked so hard and you both will appreciate it more. There is a book that puts it well; the summary is that in the beginning of a relationship, beyond the physical attraction, you study each other enough to get married and then everyone stops there. But if you continue to study that person enough to get an AA, then enough to get a B.S., then a M.S. then a phD and maybe a second phD ... The point is once you earn love, you must continue to work at it to keep that relationship going. It only takes one of you to stop working at it, and the relationship dies (the strand holding you two together gets weak).
Like/ fond-of is like a thin strand that the two of you are holding on to and it is only by the grace of God that the strand does not break. But love is like many thin strands tied together into many knots to make a thick rope but you both have to continue to tie this knot so that it never gets weak and break. Even the love people feel the first year of marriage will be nothing compared to when you say I love you 50 years of dealing with the others personality.
Sometimes we allow excitement and sexual pleasures cloud our memory. Men say they love and they make it stronger by fulfilling their sexual lusts- which by the way is ok (don't get me wrong you have to have physical attraction first before anything else so hey what is the big rush to prove it physically). The problem with this approach is, women and men think differently, most women are more emotional and do not love right away. But since you have already used the word 'love' and even shared that sacredness with them, now you have clouded her memory with the emotional impacts of sex that now she is sure she means it when next she says it. But in truth, she doesn't mean it. And if she marrys you, yay! but she made that decision not with her whole mind and heart, but with the clouded emotional package of sex.
A lot of women engage in sex before knowing truly but they want to keep their man (he is so good for me/ I like him/ he is the nicest guy I ever met/ he is better than the last one ... ) but it is the wrong way, if he cannot wait then the relationship and marriage may never have been worth it in the first place. Even some get their sex and still go elsewhere. But hey! hopefully that man may get her pregnant and give her another reason to want to be with him. We use love for our family because they have been there for us so much (unconditionally) one must get to this point with their spouse, the bible even hints to that. A man must leave their parents home and cling to his wife (Mark 10: 6-9). For someone you just met, it takes work to get to love and then more work to be unconditional.
A lot of people take love and marriage for granted, and it was never meant to be that way. It is still amazing to me how a CEO can fall in love with someone that they have never met or say I love you on one conversation, marry them 30 days later but that same CEO has a hard time hiring an assistant on just a phone conversation alone or even a day of observing their work skills. Even some companies have a 30 day orientation just to make sure they've got the right match. And hey when hiring someone, you don't have divorce papers to sign, or if kids are involved- no kids to hurt, in fact you really don't have much to do.
I am not against love, I learnt the definition and realised that it is often misused. Most people use it commonly and women fall for it, but I have learned that a lot of men really meant to say I am fond-of/ like you but they say I love you because they feel this special excitement/ satisfaction from being with that person. But most women tends to think of it like it was described in 1 Corinthians 13 and most of the time it was not the way the man meant it. If I were you, I would also read 1 Corinth 7:1-16.
I have only been in love once and I went searching for the meaning because I watched many roomates and people abuse it. To the extent that I no longer knew what it meant any longer. I did my research and learned for myself how special it was; what it meant. See I cared for my husband and I wanted to be sure that I truly meant every word of it, it baffled him how curious I was to know the right meaning and he patiently waited. If God forbids something happened to you, I don't think you have enough strands to keep that Lady from moving on or vice versa. But I bet you if you tried calling my husband and mention that I have the flu, it is like his whole world has just crashed. The same with me, I got one of the calls that someone hit my husbands car less than 24 hours after I left for work, I could feel my heart fall down until he said the words 'I am ok.'
I have always been long distance with my best friend and husband; long distance only means you have to work harder at it. I mean it makes perfect sense, someone else that sees the other on a daily basis can say more about that persons character as opposed to one who spent time monthly. Because my husband and I were long distance it took us a lot longer to tie the knot (5 years for us but understand that everyone is different). We are married now and still long distance, we see each other 2 days every month and we count down the days it will be over. Hence, I have nothing against long distance r/ships, I even have tips on things you can do to make it work. It is even the more reason to understand that word- love and use it appropriately. 'Sincerity'- You can never guarantee sincerity by spoken words alone, even when you meet that person. You need to spend time with that person. I know my husband better than anyone, I can even tell you what he will say or how he may react in situations- it really impresses his immediate family. He also knows me very well but you have no idea how many new things we learn about each other that we never know existed- it just never came up.
My husband tells me I love you every day but even today meant more than yesterday. Every day as we both get comfortable and increasingly open with each other, we see more negatives and if you can learn to love that person despite their faults nothing tops that. You learn many things; you find out about each others family, each others likes and personalities- I mean it is so different when you live with this person. It is the same reason that it is only your lover that knows exactly what to say to make you feel special and also to hurt you.
Despite my husband's flaws, he is my brother, my world, the part that makes me whole, my gist buddy, my partner in crime, the only man I was made for. The answers to my prayers. He caught me right before my family started pestering my life about leaving my books and paying more attention to men :)
Good luck to you and this Lady- I hope it works out.

Remain blessed!
Nda nkeJude

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Nigerian Men and I love you

It is fun to gist with my sister and her friends about the different pimping ways of Nigerian men. My favorite is the abuse of the phrase "I love you." There was this young man who had never met her but saw a picture of her and in one conversation, told my sister that he was head over hills for her.
At that time, my sister was serious with another guy and she cut him off via email. This man was so distraught by this email that he was moved to gripe about how much he was still in love with Sis for a good year. My sister and I found it amusing that he hardly knew her but felt that she was the only one for him. It is now about 2 years later and this man resurrected on facebook, contacted her ... He spoke of the pain he felt when he received that email that said she was engaged to be married and she didn't want him to call again. She didn't understand and she answered well, isn't it the truth. This man asked if he could call again as a friend and in his next call he started bugging again and called her sweet names. Which irritated her very much and moved her to ask him never to call again.
Seriously, why do our men make a fool of themselves when it comes to women. They are not everything that you see on the outside. You have to know someone to truly love them, and to like is not the same as to love; you have to like someone in order to love them, but you don't have to love everyone that you like. It takes a long time to build love and it is disgusting to hear it before it is due. Be diplomatic about it, because that phrase may have won women in the past but now it only works for only a few desperate women.

Typical of Nigerian Women

Why are there certain characteristics that we all accept that are typical of Nigeria women. Someone shared with me something that someone said about me and in the end said to me, don't mind them, they are jealous, which is typical of Nigerian women. I went and examined myself and even asked myself if I was different from most Nigerian women.
A friend shared with me this interesting episode of her names mentioned here.  The rumor is that a woman she had known for a long time thinks she wants to steal her husband from her. Her first reaction is that she was flattered since this same woman, when they were younger thought she was the most beautiful and felt that my friend never took enough time on her part to even look as beautiful as she. It was true to some extent, since this chic always wore makeup and always did her hair, always went shopping and always dressed up and my friend payed more attention to her studies. She often gave my friend lectures about her looks and even took the liberty at times to fix my friend up before they went anywhere. Ironically, this chic got all the guys/jerks, since they never married her, even one of the ones she truly hoped for ended up with a white girl.  But my friend, yeah that ugly one, yup!  ended up with her first boyfriend, who is still her best friend and hubby today.

Rewind- the friendship was one way- She called my friend to carry her bags to the airport oh u know that kinda friend that only calls when she needs you "you are sooo much stronger than me," she would often say to me friend.  My friend was the one she called when she got in trouble and needed an alibi; she was also the one this chic called when the guys she involved herself with did something to hurt her; my friend was also the one she called when she needed support when she failed her boards; she was also the one she called when the men she put her whole heart in, treated her like a jerk; get da gist....I once had a friend like this.
My friend got busy with school and spent her little free time with the fiance at the time while this chis flaunted her freedom- let's just say it was not the only thing she flaunted. She ended up becoming the talk of the town although not in a good way.  My friend tried telling her in the beginning but she often over-reacted and so she gave up.  She ended up avoiding the chic altogether, partly because she was worried that people may think she was like this girl.  Some of her so called friends, were the ones who spoke poorly about her.
My friend have always known her to be a very selfish person and never understood why she was that way. She was also a very jealous person. My friend realized soon enough that she had nothing to gain from the  friendship and was glad that she was no longer a part of her daily life. The chic got pregnant and we heard it was not the first (my friend was how ever glad for her though because she proved one rumor to be a lie and that was that she had lost both her tubes) and the proposed father legally married her. They were supposedly living happily ever after....well maybe not quite
Well, one day my friend got a note from her husband saying they are getting a divorce and he thought as her friend she should know and support her as much as she could. He was not her friend on facebook but he must have looked her up.  My friend wanted to ignore it, if it wasn't for her husband who cares for everyone. She discussed this with her hubby and he thought she should call the annoying chic, which she did and not surprisingly she denied that anything was wrong (she is well known for telling lies), she denied they were getting a divorce but in the end said she would gather her family and inform them since it has gotten to that point (???) Hmmm my friend thought didn't you say things were alright. Well, my friend gave her the benefit of the doubt and warned the man that was claiming he was her husband. He wrote back saying she was a liar and gave me his number to call to verify who he was. My friend discussed this again with her husband and called and spoke with the young man who explained that they are having problems and he is filling for divorce. Called his wife a liar and claimed that she was in denial.
After this conversation, my friend was very confused and called her aunty, who raised her, to ask her help and advice, she was saddened by this news and promised to wait to hear from her niece. She brought it up, with the disappointment that her niece failed to share this with her. Well, so she claims but somehow it seeded that she felt that my friend was trying to steal her husband from her. My friend didn't give much thought to it like I mentioned earlier she found it flattering. My friend spoke to her once, during this stupidity and she pretended like all was well, at the time, how coward like.

The next time my friend heard of this whole saga was via email from her husband. He tells me her he heard it from a friend, who claims that the chic called crying to him, that my friend wants to end her marriage, and is trying to steal her husband. This time my friend wondered what she was hiding, she knew this chic was trying to divert peoples' inquiries- 'what did you do that your husband is threatening to leave?" This was very typical character for her and didn't surprise her. But my friend decided to call her, you know to tell her that she heard all about it and that it is kinda funny and foolish, it is her way lol. And for some reason the chic started shouting, once she learned why my friend was calling, she denied it all saying she never said  this or that, and she swears with her daughter's life ... and maybe my friend’s husband’s friend wants to ruin her marriage ... bad things happen to her ... she has moved and they are still gossiping.
See the chic could have just said the truth, but for some reason it has always been easiest for her to lie, so she did. My friend knew her so well that she was sure that about 80% of what she said was a lie. My friend had a good conversation with her; well controlled; with exchange of  advice and when they hung up, at that point she realized that she hasn't changed. According to my friend, her husband said she was not who he thought he married. My friend thinks that she was the exact same person he married, he just didn't find out until now. According to the chic, her baby cousin, and her friends, were also influential on spreading this flattering rumor. They also mentioned that my friend’s marriage was falling apart. My friend was glad that her husband knew about the emails before he heard the news so we both found it funny and hilarious.

Despite all of these, my friend wishes the both of them well, marriage is not easy and I hope they both work at it before throwing it all away especially for the sake of the children. I know for a fact that me and my hubby, who is also my brother, my best friend, my daddy, my uncle ... may fight but we always find it in our hearts to reconcile. Despite all of my many blessings, he is still the best thing that happened to me. I am satisfied with my life and fortunately have no regrets. I know that divorce is very common but I, as of now, do not see it in my marriage and I do not plan on being with someone else. Those vows I made in front of God in the alter, and in front of family and friends meant everything to my husband and I, and we will hold true until death do us part. We enjoyed doing it so much, that we did it twice in Nigeria and here in the U.S.

I don't think that rumors has anything to do with Nigerian women, I think it has everything to do with idleness; all of these people mentioned above have too much time on their hands. I pray that the chic changes her ways, and I know that God will continue to give her so many chances to forgive herself and embrace his love.

God Bless!