Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Tale of Mothers Wanting to Marry Their Sons

Ok I have not met any mom who actually tied the knot with their son but I know two young ladies who their mothers-in-law are doing everything in their power to drive them out of their homes.  I am not sure what to make of the craziness except the mother-in-law must feel like there is someone else out there better for her son.
Ok both ladies are very beautiful and great, hardworking mothers and were doing ok with their husbands until mother-in-law came to "visit", set up shop and refused to leave.  Both ladies have being married for at least five years with 3 and four children respectively. Their marriage had their usual ups and downs but nothing big really happened.
So these ladies (unrelated) called me within 2 weeks  telling me they are leaving their home with their children since the marriage is not working out.  So here I was, thinking it was one of the normal ups and downs a couple may have (I have my usual suggestions), and I brought up for them to try counseling, marriage workshops, even bring it to the attention of the family in Nigeria.... One of the ladies was open to it if it means her mother-in-law left their marital home (hmmm).  My husband added "easy fix! simply get a police order and uproot the woman from your home." The other made it clear to me that she is done since her mother-in-law said during one of their arguments that she actually does not mind marrying her son, and added laughing this is America anything goes.  really? I didn't know this?
The first wifey tells me that their relationship was not perfect so she thought that if momcy-in-law came she would help out more with the kids, so that her and hubby will rekindle their love. But it was the opposite.  Wifey would come back from school and work and the mother-in-law has prepared a meal, ate it with her son, and they both go to sleep leaving her three children till 11 pm on a school night (waiting for their mother to return and feed them). 
The man decided at the beginning of the year that to please his mom (who for some reason hates his wife) he will stop eating his wife's cooking and eat his mom's instead.
On the days he is feeling his wife he takes her out for breakfast (something they enjoyed doing together before all these) he lies to his mom that wifey is taking him to his doctor's appointment and the doctor asked that he fast prior to the visit.  (hmmm) As if it is not enough at night when he wants to be intimate with his wife, he brings their youngest child so that his momcy will not be suspicious. Of What! I screamed Suspicious of What! what de heck! is this April Fools Day? ok at this point my ear was having chills and I asked her for a break to think.  Her voice sounded like someone that had been beaten down and she said it is affecting my children please don't ask me to be patient, everyone has been telling me that.  I just had some questions about applying for nursing school. I asked how long this had been going on and she said three years.  So I advised her to do whatever she felt was best for her and her children.  I guessed at this point she must have tried sending the old woman back to wherever she came from but I didn't want to ask, she sounded so drained and ready to walk away.  I pray for God's strength for her.  We ended with me thinking of all the things I would have done if I was in that same situation....what would you do?
The other wifey, who is in a similar situation had mentioned in the past off and on about her mother-in-law but I always felt it is no different than if your annoying brother came to live with you. But this time she kept repeating "you cannot imagine" and went on to tell me that her mother-in-law formed a habit of preparing meals for only her and her son (mama-in-law by the way is jobless and not contributing to their life in any way or form even to teach the kids their local dialet).  On thanksgiving day, wifey asked that mother-in-law respect the fact that it is a special day and allow her to cook for her family (inviting her to join in as well).  The husband hears this and surprisingly did not object (as he normally does) but his mom starts shouting"ehn! I don't need you to cook for me, whether it is in the name of thanksgiving; is the stove not meant for four pots and why can't it fit the both of us; and my son pays for this house so I have more right to cook here and will cook right next to anybody i want  and I will see which one my son will eat." (this is in the wife's own kitchen) This whole time hubby is reading a newspaper. 
When the kids come home from school and look for their mama to show her their school, mother-in-law cuts in that she is a better mama and what do they need their mom for.  Next time they should run right to her.  When wifey would get a compliment at church, the mother-in-law will cut in proclaiming how gorgeous she was during her youth and if only her son knew he would have been more picky.  At this point I started to laugh because I feel like the mommy-in-law has gone coo coo.  Just imagine you had your time and refuse to allow your son his time and the sad thing is the son allows his mom to terrorize the wife.
Both of these young ladies both mothers-in-law love it when they and hubby fights.  In fact they will sit with their sons and make a mockery of it, sometimes the mother-in-law will lie to her son to purposefully instigate a fight. I guess it really is true that men have a weak spot for their moms but what I don't understand if these men in particular have thought it through or if they are thinking their wives cannot live without them.  Because my thought is, if the wives leave with the children, then what? do they live happily ever after with their moms? I pray for strength for these people because I cannot imagine living like this.


Madame Sting said...

I am beyond shocked and do not know what to say. My mouth was open in disbelief as i was reading. I think both ladies need to work on their husbands because they have to learn how to put their mothers in their place. Maybe they don't value their marriage. This is ridiculous and quite sad.

Anonymous said...

I am also beyond shocked. Both husbands are contributing to the poor situation in their households. I don't know how the wives have put up with it. I would have been out the door so fast both hubby and his mama would have gotten whiplash. Life is too short to put up with that kind of crap.

Okeoghene said...

After reading this, I really wondered why the men married at all. They should have just stayed with their mothers instead of putting the poor women in this situation. When it comes to MILs, it is only the son that can handle them cos if the woman should do anything, they would say she is disrespectful and the man might not even be bothered at all to support her. Why should a mom come and camp in her child's home? What happened to her own life? What happened to her husband? What will a MIL gain by comparing herself to her DIL; trying to taker her shine? She has lived her life, let the children live theirs. A man will leave father and MOTHER and cleave to his wife and both shall become ONE. So whatever wrong the mother finds with the DIL she also finds with her son cos they are now one. If this should happen to me, i would leave the house with my children. No woman deserves to be treated this way, not in her own married home. The husband is the only one that can caution his mom. I remember once my hubs and I had a disagreement and my MIL who came to help with my newborn was trying to lay the blame on me, my hubs told her she is not invited in our argument and if she says too much he will take her to the park so she can go back and meet her own husband. A woman is supposed to be the queen in her home, if one mother wants to come in and the son who is so tied to his mom's string sees no wrong in that, I am afraid.

Mrs Newlywed said...

Choi! smh! Someone needs to set fire under those men to wake them up! It is clear how they view their wives. Bringing the baby to the room as a camouflage when bedding? The truth will come out soon. Let us keep praying.

Myne Whitman said...

Na wa o, when I hear these sort of stories, am like is this real? They really need to involve therapists or Pastors and the first rule of business is to send those MILs home.

LadyNgo said...

whew, i pray i never fall in this kind of situation. The blame is on the husbands for not standing up for their wives. I can understand not wanting to disrespect your mama but this is ridiculous. As for those MILs, i'm sure they were not happy with their own MIL treating them that way (if it happened) so why treat your DIL that way?!? smh

Anonymous said...

I'm married to an only child of a woman who didn't marry. It's not as HORRID as the cases you describe but it has been hard this year. Luckily for our family, he is strong. I pray your friends have the strength to do what needs to be done. There are only TWO people in a marriage. Any other people are just WITNESSES - YES, EVEN THE KIDS.

Rhapsody B. said...

Well....if they men are into only pleasing the desires of their mothers and ignorning their wives and being neglectful then i have to say I agree with them. One can do bad by their selves they dont need company. Yep I would get up, get out and move on.

Take care....

Alicia@ Mommy Delicious said...

Every time I hear stories like this, I cringe and I pray to God that I am NOT a mother like this with my son. When my son meets his "Sarah," it'll be time for him to leave my house and cleave to his wife. And I know it won't be easy, but I pray to have perspective (lol) and encourage his independence.

Anonymous said...

I empathize with these 'wifeys'. My hubby and I have been married for about a year and half, I never met the mother while we were courting because my hubby's parents live in Nigeria while we live in the States. My hubby's Igbo but I'm Yoruba; my MIL wanted her son to marry an Igbo lady; whatever i do is never good enough for this woman. She told me to my face just days after our traditional wedding,while at the airport, that she will not attend our church wedding; and you know what, on that day, the ceremony was delayed about 2hrs bcuz she was no where to be found(eventually she was located).
We are expecting our first child in about 4 months; when my hubby told her the news, she didn't even congratulate me, and she's yet to ask about my(and baby) welfare. He just shrugs my complaints off and says i just need to give her time to get to know me. I just pray God help me with my MIL.

Nenyenwa said...

@Madame Sting I very much agree
@Anony 3:51 I'm not sure I would have been there that long
@Okeoghene it is true that too many need to think hard before jumping the broom.
@ Mrs. Newlywed that one shocked me too abeg
@Myne Whitman it is real and unacceptable
@Lady Ngo I truly doubt that the MILs are thinking through their actions
@Igbo marriage speak! :)
@Rhapsody I would have left the day before I ever shared the story with anyone...but I don't have 3 kids so I wonder if that played a part in their decision making
@Alicia I'm glad you are thinking like that 'cause phew! it may very well be my daughter :)
@Anonymous you don't need such stress in your life...I will be praying for have to let her be she will come crawling when the baby is born and hubby has to learn to speak to his mom...if he tells her she will change. I hope things get better